Letter 32 “Call”

We had a guest host today. Fair warning.

Dear Drizzle

So I’ve gone on 5 dates with this wonderful guy. The first 4 dates were initiated by him…the 5th date was initiated by me. I have noticed that he has grown more affectionate towards me with each date and also taking things VERY slowly – Our dates are all fabulous and full of conversation. On our last date he talked about places we can go on future dates. Texting seems to be 50:50 and he pays for our dates (but I always offer!). I initiated the 6th date by asking if he is free tomorrow and he told me he MIGHT be going away for the weekend and that he will text me to let me know…he still hasen’t texted me and the day is almost over. If he dosen’t text to let me know should I just assume that he is no longer interested in seeing me?

Response

Are you the girl Stevie always talked about? I mean, for fuck’s sake, you sound familiar.

Now that that’s out the way, I’m going to say that this can go one of two ways. Let’s start with the most obvious one first and work our way up to the other one.

This guy is very affectionate with you, has paid for five dates, and has a steady text ratio. He’s trying to fuck. I don’t care how sweet he is, how much he cares about saving the blue-spotted dolphin you brought up in passing on date two, or even how “slow” his game seems. At the end of the day, he’s trying to fuck, and it’s a nice, but methodical approach he’s taking to accomplish that (he’s not being forceful, he’s being chivalrous and playing the “nice guy” card). The fact that he’s completely 180ed just in time for date six kind of supports this.

Either that or he’s fucking someone else and has no use for your ass. Remember, as nice as guys can be, we, unless we’re attempting to marry the girl (and even THEN sometimes), will probably begin thinking with our dicks sooner or later. Also, the fact that four out of the five dates were initiated by him lends even more validity to my claim. The last one, in his mind, probably played out like this:

“Oh, she’s taking the initiative and sees that I’m a great guy–and probably a great fuck. With that said, I’m about to get some pussy.”
“We’re here on this fifth date, I’m about to get some pussy.”
“…where’s the pussy?”

Now, I’m not saying “hey, you, spread your legs to keep the guy,” because that’s lame. But, judging from what you’ve told me, this guy has hidden expectations about your “relationship” and you haven’t met them.

Now, the second potential answer is this: what the fuck are youAre you married to the guy? Are you even dating him exclusively? No? Then, just because he says “hey, I may have other plans,” it doesn’t mean that he’s saying fuck you. It probably means that “hey, I may have other plans, and because we’re not married or dating or what have you, I don’t have to explain my every move to you.” Do you know what I am saying?

Also, people’s phones die. Guys sometimes go “off the grid” to avoid being bothered. He could have even gotten mauled by a bear and is now bleeding out somewhere in the forest. What I’m getting at is this: don’t assume the negative right out the gate. Yeah, that’s ironic considering that I, firstly, think he just wants sex, but hey I’m allowed to do that. Either way, stop being crazy. Dude obviously isn’t just running off. He said he may be busy. Odds are he’s probably busy. Give him time. He’ll hit you back.

– Guest host out.

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Letter 10 PART 3

So, I know you’re probably wondering (not really) whether or not I took your advice regarding the infamous “Letter 10” and its sequel. Well, I did for a couple weeks after you posted your advice. And, it worked well. And then, she hit me up randomly saying, in so many words, that she needed some dick in her life. So, for about a week or so, we sexted and all that fun shit. You’re probably thinking that this was going the same way as usual, because I was too. Then, she came up to my place and proceeded to fuck and get fucked.
That’s not where it gets bad.
This girl, ever since I stuck my dick inside her, she’s been on me–telling me all about her ex boyfriends and how they fucked her over, how she doesn’t usually tell people this, telling me how much she needs more of me, etc. I’m like “ok, I pursued this chick for months, decided to give up, she fucked me, and now, I’m kind of not really feeling it.” Does that make me an asshole? Or is that a normal response about “the chase” and once you get it, if it’s not all that it’s cracked up to be (the sex was awesome), you look for ways out?

Response

I feel like since you send me all these letters and I don’t know who you are, I should name you. Billy? No, he’s the greatest warrior ever (yes, that was an Adventure Time joke). Charlie? No, too vintage youtube. What to call you… I got it. I’ll call you Stevie. It’s settled.

Number fucking one, if this chick says she wants the dick, why the fuck did you sext her and not… you know… Give her the dick? Come on Stevie. Hand claps for actually giving it to her eventually but damn. Why were you sexting first?

Stevie, these letters you been sending me make me think you’re afraid of fucking and would rather sit around the house and sniff paint. If my girl hit me up saying she needs some dick, I say I am on THE way. But I digress.

You hit the nail on head Stevie. You liked the chase. It excited you. It made you write 3 letters to me. You LOVE the chase. The thing is, so does she. What happened when you quit chasing her? This jonesing ass bitch hits you up to get her fix. You got yourself an attention whore. She’s now telling you all this noise about herself that she could have told you months back. She wants you to chase her. She wants some Stevie chase in her life.

Long story short, no you shouldn’t feel bad. You wanted skins. She wanted you to chase her endlessly. If you two are going to do that dance, she shouldn’t have given you ass and you should stop paying attention to her. So bounce out Stevie.

But let’s be honest, you’ll probably write me another letter about it… Whatever it takes for you to stop sniffing paint.

Drizzle out

Letter 31 “<3 Strippers"

Dear Drizzle,
I am a real American (cue the Hulk Hogan music). So, every now and again, I enjoy going to the strip club. Y’know, throw some dubs in the club and shit. The past couple times, I’ve ended up hating myself afterwards. No, I didn’t get suckered into giving up little Billy’s college fund to Diamond, but I found myself leaving with strippers’ phone numbers.
And the worst part of it is this: they’re the ones that come on to me, believe it or not. I know I’m wrong for taking their numbers if I want to avoid strippers becoming attached to me and everything, but how can I stop them from becoming attached to me?! One even “claimed” me–meaning that if I ever went back to this club in question, I would be all but forced to partake with her, and no one else, or else she’d go batshit crazy and probably force herself on me in an attempt to get herself pregnant from a Champagne Room dance or something.
Help me avoid becoming some stripper’s savior!!!

Response
Ok. Strip clubs and strippers… And them falling in love with you. That’s some real ‘Merrrkan shit right there.

(Kicks the stereo playing Hulk Hogan music off the table)

Are you serious dude? You think them strippers are into you? You think that them giving you their numbers means shit? Fuck, if they give you ass, do you think that will mean shit? And you really think they want you to pull them up from stripping?

I don’t even fucking like strip clubs. Why would I pay for blue balls when I can get laid for free? It doesn’t make any damn sense to me either. But to each his own.

Let me give you some facts. And these might make you scratch your head or maybe even hurt your feelings. The average stripper isn’t ashamed of what she does and isn’t trying to uplift herself from the profession. The very real truth is that your average stripper is probably pulling in 50k a year from just tips. And that’s before she starts turning tricks. If she sells her pussy she could rack in at least 70k. Makes you want to switch professions, don’t it?

So all this love and shit that these nightwalkers are showing you is all part of the fucking job. It puts more money in their pockets.

“But Drizzle, I trust your infinate wisdom and worship your body made of solidified awesome, but please explain how showing me love increases their revenues.” At least that’s what I imagine you’re saying to yourself right now. Essentially, strippers are vendors. They sell blue balls. If you have a personal relationship to a vender of any kind, you as a consumer are more inclined to go to that vendor more often and ultimately spend more money.

Strippers know this. So them building a “connection” to you is all business. Don’t think for a second that it isn’t. They want you to come in and see your “friend” and throw more money their way because you two are “homies” now.

Now remember, this is just your average everyday stripper. There are exceptions. A smart stripper who’s getting her pay and isn’t ashamed of what she does and wants you to get her pregnant less than you do. If they start carrying child that puts them out of the game for 9+ months. I’ll let you do the math on that but it’s a serious dent in the paycheck. But the exceptions are bad for your health. The fact of the matter is there WILL be girls who scam. But you know all of this already. So I won’t go into all that.

Now that we’re through my dissertation, we can get to the point: the strippers aren’t falling for you. Your ass is falling for them. I suggest that you stop going to strip club for awhile and watch porn. That way you can rub out your jollies for free. Just don’t get any on the keyboard.

At the end of the day, think of the strip club as an art gallery. It’s best if you keep your hands off the paintings and definately don’t take the painting home to your momma.

-Drizzle out

Send letters to drizzlesez@gmail.com. Put “drizzlesez” in the subject box and remain anonymous.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnd. Ugh, follow me on twitter @drizzlesez.

Letter 30 “What I’m Saying”

Wow. There’s really been 30 of these things…

Yo Drizzle

Ok, this girl that I been checking has finally decided to hook a brother up with them digits. Know what I’m saying? So I call her and she seems disinterested in me and shit but at the end tells me to call her again. Now I don’t know if she really wants me to call her back or if she was just gaming me trying to sound polite. Know what I’m saying?

Shit gets deeper though. I think I put this girl’s pussy on a pedastool because from that one concersation, I was feeling it. Dig? I think this girl is too good for me but that makes me wanna her more.

How do I take care of this little situation my dude?

Response:
Yes. Yes. I do dig. I do know what you are saying. You do not need to keep asking. I know what you are saying. It’s like your words flowed to my ears and spoke to me to give me a greater understanding of all that you have said…

FUCK OUTTA HERE!
I’m just saying. Lol.

I asked and I recieved. I wanted a funny letter and you, sir, have provided. I mean you sound like a Detroit pimp talking with a southern rapper. It’s fucking great and I enjoyed every second of it. But now back to our program.

First and foremost, pick your confidence up from whatever dark pit you left it in. Other than your choice if slang, you seem like a decent dude. No girl is out of your league unless you really suck at life. Find your stones dude.

Ok so you put the pussy on a pedastool. There’s a plethora of women who believe (but will probably never outright say), that the pedastool is right where the pussy needs to be. Well fuck that noise. Keep that thing where it belongs… Between a woman’s legs. You can be everything she wants you to be, but it’s worthless unless you’re what you want to be. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I AM SAYING?

In other words drop that scary ass “I don’t know if I should call her” shit. Get your highschool diploma and leave the grade school shit elsewhere. Seriously. If she didn’t say she wasn’t interested, then stop over-thinking this shit. Study long, study wrong. Women like confidence. Stop being scared.

So you been feeling her? You been checking her? She gave you the “digits” (I’ll never get over that). How about you call her again and ask her out on a date. Literally, call and don’t say no quirky small talk shit. Just ask her out the way you fucking seem like you want to. She’ll either accept or tell you to fuck off.

Keep it simple. Go out for coffee or a drink. Or judging by your slang, get some Churches fried chicken. Chill with her and talk to her about date shit. If she feels you for who you are, then you’re golden. If she doesn’t feel you, then walk away and know it wouldn’t work out. You wouldn’t want to be with a girl who doesn’t fit you anyway.

Think about it. If you two don’t mesh and you force it you’ll put in all this time, effort, and, let’s face it, money for a girl that wasn’t for you. Then you’ll just be bitter. So if she rejects you, take it in stride and save all you got to offer for the girl who wants you.

Last, be quick about it. No girl wants to wait for you. A girl will, albeit reluctantly so don’t push your luck. The sooner you call the better. Follow whatever “non-desperate rule” you want like the 3-day rule. Just call her.

And to give you a little more motivation consider this: every minute you don’t call and set something up is another minute in which someone else could sweep her off her feet. Don’t hate. I ‘ve seen dudes pull some dazzling women in less than 60 seconds… Respect. So unless you want to see her with someone else, pick up the pace.

So quick recap: stop being scared crybitch and call her. Ask her on a date. And don’t be afraid of rejection. The sooner the better because no one has time for all that waiting shit. Go hard or go home.

By the way…
Unless you are the slickest moutherfucker with words on the planet… Leave that slang at home.

-Drizzle out

Keep them coming. Send letters to drizzlesez@gmail.com. Put “drizzlesez” in the subject line to remain anonymous.

Letter 29 “One Girl”

Dear Drizzle,

Let me cut to the damn chase. I know my boyfriend isn’t cheating on me. I know this. I spent some real coin making sure so I know.

But there’s this one girl. She keeps popping up every few months or so. His phone rings and her name pops up. I tell him to answer it but he just doesn’t. She keeps sending him shit on facebook but he doesn’t respond. This shit is annoying me.

I think he got with her once but I know he isn’t doing it currently. I think he fucked her way back and now she’s trying to weasle her way in.

I want to call her up or hit her facebook and confront the bitch but I don’t know if that’ll work. How would you get her to stop hitting up my man?

Response
Let me get this straight. You know your boyfriend isn’t cheating on you. You’ve taken steps to know that he is being faithful. So either you hired a P.I. or you put a tracker on his ass. Both of which, I can safely say, are not the signs of a trusting relationship. It also seems that your mistrust was completely unwarrented. Good job having a guy who doesn’t cheat. So why you bitching?

I remember now. The girl. He may have fucked her once? Who cares, he’s yours now. That situation seems so damn familiar it makes my head hurt. First off, I KNOW your not getting mad at your boyfriend over some shit you saw (and in your case, didn’t see) on fucking facebook. I could go on a whole rant, shit I could write a book, about how you will not learn shit about anyone on facebook and how retarded it is to use as a monitering tool on your relationship. Besides, all that time you facebook stalk could be used for more important, better relationship building activities… Like fucking!… Or talking, whatever floats your boat.

Things like this roll in waves. I know from experience. She’s going to call and message him and all that noise and then she’s going to stop. I don’t know why and quite frankly I don’t give a shit but if your man doesn’t respond, she’ll stop. And it may start up again, but it’s all the same shit all over again.

Let me reiterate, she’s going to hit up your man. Stop getting mad at him about it. He can’t control who calls and facebook messages him. And if you ask him to shit on this girl because of your unfounded… Shit, completely disproven jealously, he’s just going to subconciously think you’re a crazy jealous girlfriend… Which you do sound like right now.

As far as should you confront her: NO! Don’t add fuel to that fire. It never ends well. If you contact this girl, I guaruntee you two things:
1. Anything she says will be unreliable.
2. Nothing you say will help you get the results you want.
If you hit her up, it’s only because you’re looking for anything malicious and that will absolutely cloud your judgement and just fuck shit up. So don’t do it.

If you still feel like hitting this girl up, break up with your boyfriend. Trust is a very big part of a relationship and if you want to check this girl after taking your mysterious steps to make sure he’s faithful, then he can’t do shit to earn your trust but his breathing will make him lose it. Honestly, you’re telling me that you can’t be pleased. You caught your man NOT cheating and still don’t trust him. Yeah. That’s no good and he doesn’t deserve that since you know he’s being good. Let this calling shit go or do you both a favor and let him go.

Maybe you didn’t give me the whole story but based on what you said, that’s what I got.

-Drizzle out

Yeah yeah, I know the past few haven’t been all that funny, but that’s because you guys started lacking detail in these things. Maybe it’s because you guys figured out that I’ll call you out on your shit. Well pick up your courage.

Send letters to drizzlesez@gmail.com. Leave drizzlesez in the subject box to stay anonymous.

And *sigh* this is hard to say because I HATE doing it but…. Follow me on twitter (it burns. The shamless advertising burns!) @DrizzleSez to get updates and shit about the website.

Heaven

Okokokok. Everyone calm the shit down. I know I don’t do this but it’s my friend’s birthday and he wants me to do this instead of giving him a birthday gift and he has talent so what the fuck.

Check out Chris Bivins’ video for the track “Heaven” ft Jay Verze.

As a matter of fact… Send me your thoughts on it to drizzlesez@gmail.com and put “heaven” in the subject line and the best written critique will be featured here and I might give you something nice. Honestly, I might.

Letter 28 “Hot Dilemma”

Ok this is weird Drizzle.

I don’t believe the media portrayal of “hot” and “sexy”. I like fat, bald dudes with scars and chest hair. Guys with fucked up fingernails and weird shaped muscles. These baby faced baby chested guys just don’t do it for me. I want a real man who looks like he got some life exp on him. Once upon a time I found the underwear model guys really attractive. That all changed when I started having sex with them. It was lame. The 6-pack abs did nothing for the stroke. It just sucked. Why is it that sex with hot people is almost never as hot?

Response:
Thank you lord for providing me a sex question.

I like you. We can be friends. Fuck the Science of Sex Appeal. I hate the media portrayal too. I can’t have no Victoria’s Secret model. If the titties don’t fill my hands and the ass don’t BOUNCE, it’s not my thing. I pretty much like all the parts white women complain about when they get them.

Now as for why “hot” people suck in bed… I can guess but fuck if I know. I’m not the most attractive dude. And I don’t know if I suck in bed or not (women, stop lying to us about how good we are in bed). But I have known the situation you speak of.

As far as women go, the supermodel types always want to be treated like a lady and unfortunately want to be fucked like a lady. Aka not fucked at all. They want to feel dignified for their high and mighty asses and apparently, they don’t get that when you unleash the G on them. Yes… I just said that. Quite frankly, if a girl took off her clothes and laid flat on the bed with their legs closed, I told them to pack their shit and leave.

I’m serious…

I did that…

More than once…

Foreal though, why I got to suffer by fucking a sedated matress in the form of a human woman? Drizzle don’t play that shit. No sex is better than bad sex. I’d eat nothing before I ate shit.

Yet, it’s always the girls that the frat boys reject that fuck like porn stars in heat. You know what? Fuck your question. I can’t answer why “hot people” suck in bed. I can’t speak for them. I’m not one of them. And I don’t like how you grouped them up like that anyway. I’ll tell you why us unattractive people put it down.

There’s one reason and one reason alone. We got some shit to prove. Whenever a girl came to the crib and dropped them draws, I would be devastated if she left without cumming. I want a good mouth piece not a bad one. I want her leaving thinking the sex was amazing, not shitty. Because if it’s shitty, people are going to hear about it. And as far as dating went, I didn’t have much going for me other than my sex reputation. When you have that understanding, when you go in, you. Go. IN.

I guess that’s why the so called hot guys you boned sucked. They didn’t have that mentallity. They just bust their nut and roll because they know, women will still have sex with them, even if the sex is dank. But good for you for knowing what you like and admitting it. Respect.

Hey. Looks like I did answer your question.

-Drizzle out

Keep the letters coming. Send them to drizzlesez@gmail.com. Put drizzlesez in the subject line to stay anonymous.